What's scarier than a zombie apocalypse? That our own CDC is officially preparing us for it.

We all know that a zombie apocalypse is coming that will wipe out most of the population and signal the end of the world; that’s just common knowledge and we’re cool with all that. But I discovered something yesterday that is far more frightening. The Center for Disease Control – the CDC – has a page on their website that is preparing us for the zombie apocalypse. No, it has a whole section dealing with zombies and the coming plague of “Walkers” and flesh eating undead.

When I first came across their website material, I thought it must be a joke from an imposter site. But it’s for real: the U.S. governments department dedicated to protecting us from every strange and horrible disease in the world actually thought it was necessary to dedicate time, money, man-hours, and website space to prepping us for the coming of Zombieland. That means some department head and some politician and some federal government actually signed off on this madness. Forget Ebola, Anthrax, or nuclear war – let’s make our website fun and fan friendly by discussing zombies. THAT decision is far more ponderous and disturbing than getting my face ripped off on Planet Z.

Here are some excerpts from the CDC’s website:

“There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for. Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That’s right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you’ll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.”

Damn, son – things just got real! They go on to document a history of zombies including the Haitian voodoo origins, zombies in movies and popular culture, and outline strategies how you, as a God-fearing, taxpaying U.S. citizen, can best accommodate a zombie apocalypse.

They recommend you put together a “zombie emergency kit,” that will tide you over until “you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp.” That list includes the usual; non-perishable food, water, tools like a utility knife, duct tape, and a radio, bleach, soap, and towels, clothing and blankets, and your important documents. They also suggest you have a first aid kit because, per their website, “although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane.”

They go on to suggest, “Once you’ve made your emergency kit, you should sit down with your family and come up with an emergency plan. This includes where you would go and who you would call if zombies started appearing outside your door step.”

Apparently, an evacuation route is so important because, “When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast!”

However, we should be rest easy at night because the CDC is on the case, ready to step in and put in overtime once the zombies start marching through Main Street.

Here’s what they say, ”If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine).”

Wow, I feel SO much better about the whole affair! And of course there are plenty of helpful resources the CDC is kind enough to offer us, like the “Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic,” graphic novel we can download for free, a CDC Zombie Task Force we can join (and pay for a t-shirt, with the proceeds going to “benefit disaster relief efforts and other important health programs. Get yours before they’re gone…”

It doesn’t end there, as FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, chipped in to name October, Zombie Awareness Month, including webinars they host, with, “almost 400 emergency-management professionals tuned in nationwide.”

Both the CDC and FEMA claim the zombie-themed material on their websites should be taken tongue-in-cheek, as a few years ago they noticed that mentioning the fantastical scenario of a zombie apocalypse garnered exponentially more new visitors, especially a new audience of young people, to their blogs and websites than all of their previous awareness campaigns, combined.

In fact, when they first posted the zombie 101 material on their website, 30,000 people read it in 10 minutes and crashed the site, and since then they’ve gotten 60,000 views per hour. So it looks like all this zombie talk on our own government agency’s website is just a publicity stunt, a clever PR hoax, a parlor trick to get people educated about the real emergencies – hurricanes, floods, and outbreaks of disease. 

 I don’t know man, I don’t know. I think I’d rather be safe than sorry and I’ll start stocking up on duct tape and batteries for when flesh-eating zombies ring my doorbell.